Let's Talk About Being A Bonus Parent

I belong to a coveted "Step Mom" group that allows bonus moms from all stages to comment, vent, encourage and talk off of a ledge the other bonus moms in the group. It is truly 100% honesty from every person that posts and I absolutely LOVE that! While I have found myself reading some posts at times and saying to myself, "I wish my situation was like that!' I recognize that each family has chosen what works best based on their specific situation. Being a bonus child to two bonus moms adds to my unique perspective on what being a bonus parent is and sometimes causes me to feel sad that my current situation was not like the one I had growing up. I truly believe it is the sincere love that my husband and I have for each other that allows me to face the battles and struggles of being a bonus mom with as much grace as possible.

What is the title "Bonus Parent". It is not what my bonus children's mother explained to them which was ignorantly that 'Bonus means Better'. It is literally what it says, a bonus, an addition to what you already have, an extra parent. While I have heard a lot of parents (specifically mothers) become offended with hearing the title from their child, the reality is, they do have another parent figure in their life. This person does not replace you in any way and in most cases, they don't WANT to replace you. Their goal is to be the supportive parent they need when you are not able to be there so the child doesn't have a lack. While divorce and break ups are very difficult for the adults, they only become difficult for the children when the parents make it that way. The less information a child has about their parents dissolution of their relationship and the more support they receive from both parents on a united front, the quicker the child can transition or get on board.

It has amazed me to see in my bonus mom journey that a parent would intentionally go out of their way to make their child feel uncomfortable at the other parents house. I will never forget the day my bonus son came to our house for the weekend and cried because his mother forbid him to call me bonus mom. What hurt the most wasn't that she couldn't stand the fact that her children were calling another women mom, it was the hurt that had been inflicted on a son by his mother. He genuinely wanted to call me bonus mom out of pure love and appreciation for how I care about him and his sister like they were my own. I never even asked for a title from them, they came to me one day after talking to each other and decided they wanted to call me bonus mom. Again, children will learn to adapt to changes in their lives and find positivity in sad moments when we surround them with a positive environment. There are very few children that are just mean, nine times out of ten their meanness evolves from a cantankerous parent who has shared too much details about the relationship they had with their parent directly or indirectly to the child. 

My remedy for this breach in happiness was simple, call me what you chose to call me in my house but respect your mothers wishes in her house. Saying this to my bonus son and daughter and having it reinforced by their father lifted a burden off of them both when they are with us. That was the most important thing at that time. Now on to the next battle, the infamous "At my mom's house" statement. Like how confusing is it to remember you're NOT at your mothers house??? :-)