Being A Bonus Parent Part 2

I had an awesomely interesting conversation with a woman today who was married for almost 10 years and her husbands children had no idea. Both of their families knew but they chose to exclude the husband's children in knowing or celebrating anything that had to do with their marriage. it wasn't until the funeral that the children found out. While they were shocked, what they could not say was that their father treated them any differently than before he married his wife. The reason for the silence? They wanted to avoid drama in their marriage and knew that his children's mother would make it difficult for the children to freely be able to spend time with their father and it would raise feelings in their mother of why not marry me. Most people would've said WOW and be in shock thinking, 'How could someone do that to their children?' I was actually inspired and thought for a moment, why didn't my husband and I do that?

You see, when my husband and I announced our engagement, this children's mother decided to tell the children that they didn't have to spend time with him anymore and took the liberty and withholding the children from him on the weekends he was supposed to have them if I was going to be present. The excuse? She didn't know me and didn't want her children around someone SHE didn't know. It caused so much stress and tension that at one point I honestly thought about calling it quits. I never wanted another woman to have that type of power over me and I surely didn't understand why a grown woman in her 40's who divorced her husband cared so much about who her now ex-husband was dating. I can hear the comments from parents, specifically mothers, saying I should understand this as a woman and a mother. Frankly I don't, I am not just a mother and bonus mother but I am also an ex-wife, bonus child and have an ex-husband who is remarried. It was not easy for me to accept my ex-husband being remarried or even in a relationship because of the way our marriage ended. However, when it comes to my daughter, the most important thing to me is that she sees the best example of a mother and a woman.

I can't believe pushing off your feelings of guilt, hurt, disappointment or discontent onto your children is the best example you can be to them, nor is it healthy. I couldn't fathom putting my daughter in a position where she feels inadequate around her father because of him having an adult relationship with another woman that not her mother. Let's think about it for a moment, if a child's parents were to get back together, is the mother understanding that she is now making the "other woman" coming between her child/ren and their father? Sounds kind of ridiculous right? At the end of it all, that conversation reinforced what I believe to ring true, every relationship is different and every family is different. The one thing that should remain the same though is respect. Sometimes you have to give it to earn it, even if the person you need to give it to the most is yourself...